keywords: straya urbanjungle scootlife mortgagebubble sofreshsoclean
That's probably how they'd have explained it in AmericanAmericans wrote:"Gentlemen, things don't always go your way. But life is full of opportunity. It won't be easy, some of you will come back, and others won't. For many, it will be purgatory. For others, Paradise."
But more likely,
#PrisonersOfHerMajestyEx-Brits wrote:"It might be more shit than here, it might not. Anyway, you're f****d; just get on the boat mate."
And thus, the Great White Australia was borne.
旅程 Shanghaied: Sydney Edition 流亡
My arrival to The Other Ex-Britain
Upon arrival to Sydney, one finds probably the most beautiful pre-Californicated city of subtropical gardens splayed out semi-imperially around one of the most magnificent natural harbours in the world. Twisted old-worlde streets lined with hip & humble rowhouses** cascade all over undulating headlands covered in exceedingly tasteful post-British/tropicasian cityscaping, a prodigious fusion of flowers, palms, sweetbushes, frangipanis and ornamental banana plants quick to seduce you into a sense of urban rapture.
The trees are valued, the air is sweet, the people are fashionable, and everyone works at a bank, shoppe, agency, or some neourban cafe that's seldom open. The streets of this 21st-century Babylon are paved with the copious yields of gold mines, an abolition of estate taxes, and [apparently] the monetized dreams of skilled and wealthy immigrants and backpackers.
[**It turns out those little rowhouses are going for about ~AU$3,000,000 at current rock-bottom borrowing rates; a few of the ones with owner-denied problems such as broken windows can be rented from time to time at ~AU$900+/week or ~USD$4000 a month--if you can out-compete the ~50 other parties desperately interested in just somewhere, anywhere to live, please god help us we are living out of hotels and short-term Airbnbs.]
Getting lost immediately is guaranteed; henceforth, barring being run over somewhat deliberately while attempting to routefind on foot, one Alices through all manner of unspeakably lovely nooks maintained generally impeccably by stiff red queens and their white rabbits.
If you got off in Central or CBD --err-- wrong, get back on the train. :pitythefoo: Unless your hobby is hunting for the best blue collar non-Whites food, working for double the US postdoc salary at the urban tech uni, or trying to figure out which of hundreds of "massage" or "lawyer" places actually offer just a decent massage or legal services.
The wonder builds as you discover the stunningly rad and beautiful beaches and sea cliffs of Bondi and the Eastern Suburbs, where the crystal clear tropical waters of the East Australian Current meet properly with swells off the Tasman and Southern Ocean, there are seaside pro-level skate bowls, heaps of cool-looking shops, and neat little beachsides teeming with the best-looking young affluents--who would surely be super cool, stoked, relaxed and happy to be living in such paradise.
A few dozen more near-death-by-pedestrianing experiences, mad dogs, resting bitch faces and coked out trustie/tweaker/burnout flatmates later, it becomes evident that some of the most outwardly attractive beachside boroughs can be a bit of a dystopian bees' nest of millennial brats, all chronically and collectively dreading the impending herds of more versions of themselves--as well as ample brits and backpackers that descend on the place for 4-6 months of the year, spectacularly blowing out the otherwise "local" spot in an orgy of Instagrams, bunk bed millennial slumhouses, cosmofication, profits, traffic jams and km-long bus queues. #ParadiseFound #TheStruggle
And so the Seattle Freeze has got nothing on the Sydney Sting: visit maybe in the spring/winter/fall and be out before November. Or live there year-round
Luckily, Sydney being extremely well-managed by its silent majority--the ample contingent of rich conservatives--the BS is mostly confined to certain trap areas through careful city planning. A little urban walkabout, creative train or ferry stop, or random scooter ride outside of the visitor funnels easily reveals the goods hidden from the crops of paying seasonal visitors.
Right in the middle of Sydney, in a place called "Trumper Park," ~200 meters from a well-to-do train station/shopping centre
Speaking of scooters, you can rent one with no restrictions, legal "lane filtering" and free parking city-wide, as long as you have a US or Euro official moto endorsement, and you probably won't be killed unexpectedly. The drivers, while pushy, are bridled by thousands of traffic cameras, extreme fines, random breath tests, and 3-year license demerit accumulations. It's an oppressive pacifist police state wherein the roads are remarkably safe, people pay attention, and I haven't seen or noticed a single car accident in over a year. (Nor any shootings)
The rest of Australia is of course a beautiful promised land of magnanimous and clever people, endless beaches and lush national parks with bright stars, pristine coasts, and rad animals that almost never try to kill you.
People rave about Arapiles, Grampians and The Blue Mountains for climbing, and yes they are cool, but I reckon the coolest climbing in Australia is seaside climbs at places like Point Perpendicular and Tasmania. There are also quality climbs right in the cliff gullies of Sydney, which would bust a nut for anyone living in Seattle, SF, SD, etc.
Some of the flats you can rent are super duper cool, but way too expensive ($3000-4000/month), typically cold as shit in the winter, and they all have some kind of denied issue such as broken windows.
BTW some of the most beautiful young urban ladies in the world are attracted to Sydney for graduate degrees, jerbs, beachstagrams, and such. So far have surmised they are mostly tall, busy, ambitious, and explicitly or implicitly run the place. Surely either lifelong uncompromised independence, and/or some incredibly successful, deep and genetically gifted guys(girls?) lie in their future, and/or some jerks, fools or regular ol' piñatas in the meantime #CantFindABetterMan
Take a trip to Japan (or SE Asia, Indo, Melanesia etc)
Don't forget New Zealand is next door and it's like a Hawaii/PNW love child
National research gigs: we're out there
Surfing: no GoPro but yeah, it's Australia and I've got some work to do "yeah, I surf"
This spot adjacent to a national park is apparently so good the local capitalists have decided to build a whole new suburb right next to it. #blown
For higher-frequency/lower-depth dispatches #checkoutmyinstagram @eh.haole
Or just come visit before I stop getting grants!